Wolf Moon

What has you howling at the moon, dear heart?

I'm talking triggers, mental overwhelm and your truth!

As a CPTSD survivor, advocate and trauma counsellor I know triggers, both textbook and personally. Triggers are not just a fashionable word for survivors; they are an incredibly traumatic reality. Triggers are not Susie Influencer annoyed that her latte has the wrong milk and she’s #triggered. This is not only misappropriation…it is deeply misunderstanding a term, which is insulting to survivors who deal with true triggers and the extreme mental and physical reactions that they cause. Triggers can be the wrong milk in a latte, but unlike you Susie Influencer, a mild inconvenience or an entitled strop is not the effect survivors deal with.
Ignorance is a telling choice in 2021.

For those willing to learn let me explain what reality is like for those who truly suffer from complex PTSD/PTSS (aka CPTSD).

There are days in which even small things overwhelm and destroy my peace of mind. My CPTSD stems from childhood sexual abuse, following the witness of my mother’s suicide and if that wasn’t enough, I then spent the rest of my life up to my 30’s controlled by a narcissistically abusive family member (we will have a separate discussion on the effects of narcissistic abuse).

It is genuinely a surprise to me and every one of my therapists that I’m not a “drug-addled sex addict” …a genuine direct quote from one very surprised and amazingly authentic therapist I had. I don’t list these details for pity but to normalise a conversation about the reality many of us deal with. Again, Susie Influencer count your lucky stars if your life has been so grotesquely privileged that your faulty latte is the extent of your challenges.

I think I do pretty well considering what I've survived and I’ve put a boatload of effort into healing! Yet, I will admit that on the bad days, even a failed login attempt becomes the end of the f*cking world. For many trauma survivors this is the reality of triggers! Tiny things aren’t just an inconvenience they are a TRIGGER, that set off an avalanche of overwhelm, emotional strain, flashbacks and a spiral of toxic and damaging ruminations.

There are tears, slammed doors and loud guttural growls of frustration, oh yes…a full-blown wolf. The savage wild woman…the wounded shadow shows up to vanquish my enemies…

But that’s the thing, the enemy isn’t tangible. The enemy is my wounded mind and trauma responses.  The enemy isn’t external, it's in me! It might just be a failed login and not the end of the world…but when I cannot breathe, zen, or register the reality I go into angry, scared thrashing survival mode. Anxiety is/becomes a raised heart rate, a feeling of being trapped, a small fear magnified to resemble the worst experiences of my life.

My body still reads anxiety as fear which reintroduces the feeling of my survival from unspeakable abuse, reacting to the sensation of the embedded and remembered fear. It’s not the failed login that is the truth; it is the fact that it made me feel stupid, flawed and SMALL. That reminds me of the other times I’ve felt that way… flashbacks are physically and mentally painful.

This is the reality of triggers and we have to understand them in order to better address them.

I used to cut, take pills or jump a random guy when my insides hurt (drug-addled sex addict remember, the expected and very real usual response many broken souls have). We are often desperate to feel nothing or something entirely different…to escape the memories of our lived traumas.

As we heal, we find better ways of managing this pain. I stopped cutting, stopped the pills and the random lays but I relied on others to calm my storms. And when they couldn’t or wouldn’t for various reasons, I'd get sad, angry and TRIGGERED. Tears, tantrums and lashing out.

This is often a lot of weight for loved ones to carry. Even typing it is hard; to realise and recognise how tough it is, and has been, on those who are brave enough to love me through the wounded chapters.

Co-dependency is a self-toxifying symptom of abuse.

Building your house on the foundation of another simply sets you and them up to fail. When you build on another’s foundation instead of your own, you WILL fall apart when they leave for any reason….and mine left in many ways: their own toxicity, everyday life evolving and the heart-breaking finality of death.

I'm learning that sublimation with healthy ways is much better for my own healing and for my loved ones…. Way better!!

Sure, some days it’s still tears and growling but there are also days I can go for a walk, have a magical bath and stay there till I'm pruny and zen!

Cooking helps too…a physical activity with nourishing tangible results.

Loudly playing my favourite music and shaking my jelly, also works amazingly.

And when I'm stuck at work I simply laser focus on my clients needs, I'm too needed to blow up, I have to keep my sh!t together (I usually cry it out in the car on the drive home as the emotions will always demand an outlet!) Serving others has helped me as much as I help them.

Managing your triggers and trigger responses is a learning curve; you’ll get better over time.

I’m learning to build my dreams on MY land, not another’s, and when you build on your land you get to do it YOUR way! That’s empowering and healing! That’s growing too!

We CAN learn better ways. And as we learn new FACTS, we can adjust our old ways and do better. We can only ever deal with life from the data we have. That's why it is so important to constantly learn and research your situation, follow others with your condition or challenges, get inspired and in turn inspire others.

Yes, I'm the absolute definition of ‘a hot mess’ some days. But other days and thankfully most days I'm just a big-hearted weirdo who does her best to help others heal as I heal myself.

You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress.

You’ve got this, and even when you don’t, you are absolutely capable of learning new, better and healthier ways so that you’ve got this next time!

You are not irreparably broken, sure you might never be the original undamaged you BUT shattered porcelain can make the most gorgeous mosaic! Reform your brokenness into something beautiful that still holds every piece of you…

…And this is the space I’ve created for just that.

I will be posting a blog on every Full Moon.

In between, I'd love to create a community that shares their survivor stories and inspires one another.

One day you will tell your story and it will be a survival guide for others.

Welcome to NfiniteHeart, this is our safe space precious hearts.

I don’t have all the answers and as much as I do know there's a world of data still to absorb. But I WILL ALWAYS keep learning, keep growing and keep healing.
You can too.

Go howl at that moon tonight precious heart. Write your truth and pain on a piece of paper and burn it. Claim your healing and your freedom. Commit to picking up your own pieces and creating your beautiful authentic healed survivor self! #survivornotvictim